I want to start off by thanking you to take the time to read this blog! Our journey started in November of 2005, after we had some pretty amazing family that rallied around us and started an adoption fund for us. We were totally amazed by the overwhelming support we received. We chose an agency through a referral of my sister’s friend. She had adopted her son through this agency. She raved about how short and easy it was. About, six months into the process we got a phone call that we had been selected by a birthmother in St. Louis, Missouri. We were over the moon, to say the least. She was due within the next month. We were all ready, plane tickets bought, room ready, clothes from my sister’s two little ones all cleaned and smelling of Dreft detergent! I was at work (working TWO jobs to help fund this adoption!) when my husband, Kevin, called me to tell me that he just got a phone call from the agency. The birthmother had concealed her pregnancy from family and friends. Once it was revealed that she was pregnant a family member came forth and offered her assistance to raise the child. This was absolutely the most HELPLESS feeling I had ever had. In one moment we went from being absolutely ecstatic to beyond devastated. I had to go home that evening to a beautiful room that we had put together for our baby to come home to. I immediately went to Kevin’s arms and cried, then I went into the nursery and sat in the glider and sobbed. We had to tell all of our loved ones that had supported us. This SUCKED! As hard as it was we moved on! (PS. You will be OK, I promise!).
Our next match came about another 6 months later. The birthmother was in New Hampshire, so we didn’t have to fly anywhere to bring home Baby O! This situation also brought the option to meet the birthmother. The agency pointed out that this would help put the birthmother’s thoughts to rest about who would parent her unborn baby. This made sense to us and so we decided we would do it. Shortly after meeting the birthparents we got a call to let us know the birthmother had decided to keep the baby. Once again, Olson-0 ADOPTION – 2! ugh. I remember calling my mother in hysterics. It was another level of heartbreak. I honestly think that no one knows EXACTLY what this feels like unless you have experienced a loss such as a miscarriage, failed adoption or failed IVF.
At this point there was nothing that anyone could say to make the pieces come together. We decided that we needed to get away. We took time off work and called Kevin’s parents to make sure they could watch our furry babies and we booked a hotel for NYC! This was the best thing that we could have done. We were able to digest this HUGE lose again. We gained a lot of strength, shed ALOT of tears and we even laughed, a little. When we got home and we started to see family and friends one thing I noticed, people really had no idea what to say. This also, SUCKED! But, yet again we rallied, though a lot more leery and very gun shy. I couldn’t even go in the nursery so we decided to dissemble it. It also grew so hard to see people that were pregnant. People that I loved and cared about were getting married and having babies in the time it was taking us to become a family! Forget, baby showers. I would get stomachaches and anxiety when I knew I would have to go. Of, course I wanted to be part of celebrating with these people that I loved but deep down inside I wanted to run out in tears; with every gift opened, it got worse.
Eventually we got the phone call that we were selected by a birthmother in MA, the state where we live! This raised lots of questions, but I put my “big girl panties” on and said “Here we go”. Like the birthmother in NH, this birthmother wanted to meet. Sigh…..We decided to meet at a brew house, and the birthmother ordered a beer. I tried to maintain a comfortable level of conversation, but couldn’t understand how this could possibly happen. This birthmother was due anytime. When we received the birthmother’s records, a doctor advised against this situation, unless this we were prepared for a special needs adoption. We knew that we were not prepared for a special needs adoption so we made a very painful decision to not go ahead with this situation.(In case you’re keeping track, OLSON- 0, ADOPTION 3).
I struggled, wondering, “If we don’t take this poor baby, who will?” and “What if this little bundle is perfectly fine?” Kevin was the true voice of reason. He pointed out that I wasn’t the one that put the odds against this baby, the birthmother did. We were 100% broken. I don’t know how else to describe the feeling. We had lost faith in the process. I can’t even count the amount of times I thought “I must have done something REALLY bad to have this happen.” It made NO sense. At this point we lost faith in the agency, and the process. We made the painful decision to not renew our home study again. I had reached the point that I just put those dreams of meeting our baby for the first time in a place far, far away. We had been so consumed with negativity and despair. I think we both just wanted our life back!
A lot happened in the upcoming year and it seemed that times were finally changing for us, THANK YOU, GOD! I got a message from my cousin’s wife with the link to the application for an AGC Scholarship. It was a scholarship for adoption, say what?!?!? I brought the laptop over to Kevin, looked at him and asked if he was ready to start again. I could see his excitement. We filled out the application and the HOPE was there! We had HOPE in our hearts again. We went to the 2014 Celebration of Hope and for the first time, we were comfortable! This was truly life changing for us. A brief video of our story was shown. Here were people all around us that knew this struggle. INFERTILITY. Kevin had men coming up to him, giving him HOPE that his dream of becoming a dad WAS going to come true! I had a woman come up to me and say “You’re the woman from the video.” and she gave me the biggest hug. HOPE.NEVER.FAILS!
We found out a few weeks later we were awarded a scholarship to cover our home study! WOOOHOOOO. Aprill from AGC immediately assured us that this WOULD happen! Well, we have completed our home study, and we are just waiting for a call that BABY O is coming home! THIS WILL HAPPEN FOR US. WE ARE GONNA INTRODUCE OUR CHILD TO OUR FAMILY! THANK YOU AGC. This journey isn’t over yet, but HOPE is restored and that will carry us throughout the rest of the journey.
Celeste Olson is a thirty-eight year-old office manager who lives with her husband Kevin, dog Jack, and cat Guinness in MA. She was diagnosed with Turners Syndrome at birth. She and Kevin have been in the process of adoption on and off for nine years. In January of 2014 they applied for and received a scholarship from AGC which allowed them to continue to pursue adoption. Celeste and Kevin are awaiting news of the arrival of their first child.