Coping, Balance, and Maintaining Perspective
With the holidays behind us and a new year here most couples struggling to conceive are already making plans for the next holiday season or an upcoming baby shower, understandably so. I remember always setting silent goals for myself, hoping that I would be pregnant for the holidays or be able to make a pregnancy announcement at the next family occasion. Through my journey, I’ve learned some simple tips to try to bring balance to my life by blocking out my craziness. There was extreme uncertainty and I had to take a step back to find the balance with my emotions, especially when any holidays or family occasions were upon me.
I’m someone who is organized – all about schedules and always aiming for everything to go right – so it was tough to incorporate change under stressful conditions, but I knew it was necessary. For me, therapy helped to keep myself balanced along with the release that came from writing my journals. It allowed me to take a moment to breathe, release and share my emotions, fears, anger and crazy thoughts, which kept me in line and let me carry on with my daily routine. Sometimes I knew I had to step back. In my eyes stepping back was turning down the speed on the “energizer Frannie”. I was always on the go making sure I did everything else before I even considered doing anything for myself. Daily life can get you down especially with the additional stress of fertility treatments. The holidays for me were especially stressful with infertility. The littlest things or words from others set me off. Then one day I realized, STOP, BREAK and carry on! Even if this reaction lasted for a day it benefited my outlook on my journey.
Today, I realize how this journey has given me more than I ask for in life. I gained so much wisdom, strength and have met so many wonderful people along the way. It has allowed me to heal while being able to reflect and share my story to help others.
Express your emotions!
For me, therapy gave me strength to not feel judged by others and I began looking forward to sharing my emotions. Even if you are a private person, I suggest giving therapy – one-on-one or groups, in-person or online, a chance. It will in a strange way make you feel more confident, even if after you walk out of there feeling the same. Additionally, I found writing to be a powerful outlet – it allowed me to release my emotions on paper and let my guard down while still maintaining a sense of control. Make the time to find what works best for you.
Find a quiet place to think or put things in perspective
Find at least five minutes to free your emotions: breathe, pray, sing, cry or laugh. Make this your safe, alone time that you cherish every day to keep your balance. For me, I found a lot of alone time driving to and from my doctor’s appointments. My car was my safe place and still is! The shower is also a good option or a closed door where you can take a moment to feel as if silence is helping you focus.
You know you – Do what is right for you
When it comes to trying to conceive, everyone will have an opinion. You will likely hear lots of comments, ideas, and other people’s stories but, in the end, be aware of what you need to do and what is right for you. Holidays can be a tough time to get through. Try to enjoy them even if it means you want to leave early or be alone as a couple. If you feel like opening up to a close friend or family member, do so only when you feel ready. If you feel like you want to keep it private, then don’t feel guilty about that choice. Most importantly, make time for yourself, and for your partner, so you can make decisions and communicate as a couple. This was a tough one, but no matter how hard it was to communicate it was worth it to have someone who was supportive even at the hardest of times.
Best Holiday Tip — even if it seems crazy….. Family get-togethers they can get the best of us. No matter how much you love family and friends this is a time for you and your partner to remember that it’s about YOU! Take couple time often. Communicate how you are feeling that day — things that might bother you or you are fearful of going into a family setting. The thoughts of questions and stares flying was my main concern and of course, the fear of pregnancy announcements. This is it — Hang out with the kids!!! Yup, I said it – the kids. We all know how hard it can be because all you want is a child yourself but trust me. If you hang out and play with the kids, firstly, they will love the attention of an adult and the adults will stay off your back. This limits questions and uncomfortable conversations. Don’t worry if they are staring from afar, thinking that one day you will be a great parent or feeling sad for you. It’s from afar!! You might get an occasional innocent, kid question but you can be creative, answer it, ignore it or just continue to play leaving all the uncomfortable moments out of site! I know it sounds crazy but it will work. Plus if occasional tears come down your eyes the kids might ask why you’re crying but they might not even notice.
Whether you prepare yourself for the daily grind, upcoming holidays, baby showers or work occasions, remember you have the choice to remove yourself from the conversation or to choose whether or not you want to attend. I always tried to suck it up and attend things because it was the right thing to do. I never once thought of myself and my feelings until finally putting myself in an uncomfortable situation. It is okay to RSVP NO and those that have a feeling of what you’re going through will understand.
During my journey with infertility I journalized my experiences sharing the deepest emotions in my book, The Truth Behind The Secret “Infertility”. It is a raw, real outlook on infertility with a twist of humor and tears. It’s a behind the scenes look into another unique journey. Your journey is your own and relating to others is a great way to support yourself and others. Don’t compare: support and feel supported.
Fran Meadows is an Author, Infertility Advocate and became a Mom to her one son through IVF. Meadows is one of many women who has struggled with infertility and the devastation of a late pregnancy loss. She offers support through online support groups as well as email support hoping that sharing her story will help others. Recently she joined the team at New England Fertility in Connecticut as their Marketing and Business Development Coordinator. Her campaign to combat infertility has been featured in the pages of Redbook – Truth About Trying Campaign, Cleo Magazine Australia, and Woman’s Essence Magazine. She has appeared on The Steve Katsos Show, Huffington Post LIVE, Better CT News, Connecticut Style News, Fertility Forum Radio, Power Women Radio, The Rockaway Wave, Suite 101, and The Ladies in Waiting Book Club.
For more information on Fran Meadows and her book The Truth Behind The Secret “Infertility” visit her website, on Twitter, and Facebook.